Catch Me
by foreverchasingthedream
Summary: "But you're so hypnotizing, you've got me laughing while I sing, you've got me smiling in my sleep and I can see this unraveling, your love is where I'm falling but please don't catch me..." Carla's thoughts after her attempted suicide.
_If this is love, please don't break me_

 _I'm giving up so just catch me_

No.

No. This can't be real.

This can't be happening. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. I shouldn't be here.

I should be gone, long gone. Gone from myself, this world, everything and yet all I can hear is the piercing bleep of every machine. Each bleep shattering my insides. Insides that are long past repair. No machine in the world could save me from the monster within.

Maybe if I keep my eyes closed I can pretend that this isn't happening. I can block it out. Within the constraints of my eyelids I can pretend that this hasn't happened. I can block out the world. Within my eyelids I can let myself believe that I am gone, believe that this is it.

 _So now you see why I'm scared_

 _I can't open up my heart without a care._

This shouldn't have been the way it was. Nobody should have found me or saved me. I don't deserve saving. I'm past saving. I don't want saving. I want it all gone. I don't want to live with it anymore. I'm a failure. I've lost everything I ever wanted. I failed to satisfy my husband, I failed to be with the love of my life, I failed to protect Maria from Tony, I failed to win Peter over, I failed to accept a man who loved me, I failed to just love the standard life like everybody else and in the end I paid for my mistakes. I paid for them in the way Frank treated me. I was trying to do them all a favour. I was trying to save everybody else. Save them from being caught in my trap, knowing how it would end. But in the end I even failed at killing myself. If I couldn't even do that right then there is no hope.

"I just wanted to say goodbye"

My last words to Peter. I needed to say sorry. I meant each and everyone of them. I was sorry. Sorry for how I'd treated him, the problems I'd caused between him and Leanne but also I was sorry for allowing him to fall. I knew he was falling for me. I could see it with the chocolate brown orbs of his eyes, I could hear it in the way he spoke with such care, I could feel it in the way he placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.

I was sorry that I'd allowed this to happen. He was a decent bloke, he didn't need to be involved in this car crash of a life. He deserved someone who could offer him stability and normality, someone who could love him the way he needed to be loved. But that wasn't Leanne. I know that much, she does not love Peter. She cares for him, but she doesn't love him. Not in the way that I do. I would do anything for that man, I would die for him.

Maybe that's what I'm doing. I'm dying for him. Dying in order to save him.

 _But you're so hypnotizing_

 _You've got me laughing while I sing_

 _You've got me smiling in my sleep_

It's true. You're the only man alive who can make me feel this way. Make me feel alive in a way that no one else can. You made me feel like there was something worth living for.

But you made your decision. You chose her, I don't blame you. She is stable, she is normal. But without you there is no me. I have lost everything, every hope of what could have been. Every hope of you and I, Frank and I, even just the hope of I.

 _I can't set my hopes too high_

 _'Cause every "Hello" ends with a "Goodbye"_

I said goodbye to you. That was it. I was ready to leave this world. Leave behind everything I'd destroyed. Leave the pain behind.

Instead this goodbye ended in hello. It was the hello of you entering my flat. The hello of your soft voice. The hello of your warm arms cradling me relieving me of bitter coldness radiating through my bones.

Even as I was drifting off into oblivion I felt alive. I felt safe. Safe that you were holding me, you were the only thing keeping me secured into this world. You held me there, you tried to stop me drifting away. As I managed to lift the weight of my eyes I looked into yours. I was there, I could see everything I wanted. Everything I needed.

In that moment I regretted it all. I saw you and that was it. I needed you, I needed to stay. I could see the hurt in your eyes, I couldn't do this to you. I couldn't cause you more pain.

 _I'm terrified of what you do_

 _My stomach screams just when I look at you_

In the ambulance you held me. All the way. I didn't have the energy left to speak. But I could feel you. Your warmth giving me something to live for. It was all I needed. It relit the fire that deep within. It gave me something to cling onto.

 _Keep it sweet, keep it slow_

 _Let the future pass and don't let go_

Even though Leanne was watching over your shoulder you never let go. You knew the damage this would cause between you and her but you didn't stop. You knew how much I needed you and you didn't let me down. This was all I needed. Your actions spoke so much louder than your words ever could. You wanted me.

And then my eyes closed. The words that had been rolling around my head began to settle down. The settled to one solitary moment.

 _See this heart won't settle down_

 _Like a child running scared from a clown_

I was back on the estate. A young me. A me who had so many cares, the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was wise beyond my years, I'd witnessed too much, felt too much, lost too much. I'd felt pain no child should, seen things no child should. I wanted to be like any other kid. A kid who's mother planned them a tea party for their birthday with balloons and cake. They'd organise some entertainment, they'd have a clown. What a joke. Ironic really, the only clown I'd ever witnessed was the sick joke of my childhood.

Every moment from then led to this. It led to the here and now. The here and now that meant nothing to me.

 _I can see how badly this will hurt me when you say goodbye_

But you never said goodbye. You never left me. Even as my eyes flicker open and back to reality you're there. Your eyes watching carefully over me, you urge me not to speak, just to rest.

As I fall back to sleep I beg you...

 _If this is love please don't break me_

 _I'm giving up so just catch me_


End file.
